Serves one (choose wisely!)
When someone has wronged you, take a fistful of pine straw and shape it into their likeness
push two pins through the eyes, wrap a red satin ribbon around the midsection, and tie it into a bow
then toss everything into the fire that you cook your dinner with that night.
For it to work, you must finish the plate.
The next day, drink six bottles of water, sweat three bottles of water, and apply rose oil to your fingernail beds.
(Editor’s note: Some have reported continued success by cleaning the baseboards regularly, eating only organic vegetables, and going dairy-free.)
The offender will be impressed upon with a sense of regret that widens with each day, where even vacations are twinged with vague misery. Their seasonal allergies will extend to the entire year, and they will frequently only be able to breathe from one nostril. They will never find a good parking spot again.
Traditionalists will say this dish is best served cold, but more modern takes have been hot — spiced up with peppers and paired with a red wine sangria, for example. I fell in love with it one night at a rooftop dinner party at my friend’s house, where it was served with a beautiful melon salad.